Sunday, 28 February 2016

They were my Winter.

Six months on from the big move, four months since my last post, and things are quite frankly all over the place. We are in a season of change, brought here by the colossal tirade of challenges I've had to wade through over the last half a year both academically and personally. 

Moving to London to do a Masters has been by far the most independent, arduous thing I have done in the short twenty-one years I've been plodding around on this planet. In my previous post, I mentioned feeling content, motivated and strong two weeks in. However, somewhere in the last few months I lost that feeling. The motivation and positivity wavered and unfortunately quite often got lost, buried underneath other woes. Faced with terrible flatmates who made me feel uncomfortable and on edge from the second I walked through my front door made transitioning into a new way of life challenging and burdensome. To me, your home should be a safe place, somewhere you can be yourself, relaxed, calm and productive. I couldn't feel or be any of those. And this has taken its toll on me more than I ever wanted it to. 

I've felt lost. Due to their behaviour, I've lost confidence and belief in myself, something I prided myself on. I have felt unmotivated, constantly wanting to be out of London and back home near my loved ones; I didn't feel strong enough to stay here. And I've been angry at myself for that. Never before have I felt so defeated and weak. I hated it. Normally, I'm the person people come to to help fix their problems, now here I was feeling completely out of control with no way out. It was like they had stripped me of all the things I loved most about myself which seems dramatic as I type it out, but that's what happened. I couldn't work in my 'home' and there was no way in hell I was going to let my grades falter because of them so I travelled back and forth, making sure I was in a calm environment where I could get work done. 

But my God have I been tired. Battling with a demanding timetable, travelling to and fro, plus this psychological fight I've been having with myself has well and truly exhausted me. Every day I would tell myself I should be better than this; I should be able to fight back. I've been feeling that I've been wasting this fantastic opportunity by consistently running away from it back home. I pretended I wasn't as affected as I was for a long time, but eventually something had to give and that was me. I have cried more in the last couple of months than I have in the last year. Exhaustion makes you unable to control your tear ducts, it seems. 

Eventually, I admitted defeat, and tried to get things changed, but it wasn't until last Monday that anything was possible. Thankfully, I was able to move out. I now have a bigger room in a quiet, clean flat not filled with sorry excuses for human beings. It's crazy how much it managed to infect every part of my life, but it did. I already feel more content, and so I'm hoping with a little push from myself, I can get back to being the motivated, positive me from a few months ago.  I have a fantastic internship which is teaching me a lot, and I received a brilliant grade for my last essay despite the state of my surrounding life. 

As well as this, I stopped drilling myself with 500DOS quotes, let my guard down and am now with someone. However, starting a relationship when you're going through a tough time is not easy. But, it's been the light amidst all the dark. In some ways, I think it was the sheer awfulness of the situation I was in that made me realise just how much I cared for him, and how I should be out spending time with those that make me the happiest. Having fun with the person who makes me feel like I can do anything, the person who makes me laugh more than anyone else, who I can have fun with despite not actually doing all that much. The one that talks me out of my self-hating moods and back into reality where I can see that I'm not all that bad, really. He inspires me without realising it, and I'm so proud of him. It's ridiculous that it took so long to come to fruition, but hey, we got there in the end. And I'm so very happy and grateful for it. 

I know things are going to improve, but I also know it's not going to be instantly. The last few months have been my lowest, and so I need to build myself back up mentally to where I was before.  I have to be patient. I have to not lose faith in myself. I have to not put too much pressure on myself and wait for the storm to pass, because it will. There will still be rainy days, but hopefully they will only be days now, not weeks.  

One way or another, things will be fine. It's just going to take a bit of time. 

I see the last few months for what they were; a cold, dark, harsh Winter. But, Spring is on its way, with a promise of new beginnings and adventures, warmer, brighter skies and a breeze of positivity. Winter is beginning to thaw, and once it has I'll be ready to kick 2016's butt. 


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