Reflecting on Silence.

Well, it's been a while since I've done this! For weeks now, I've had the urge to blog, to write, to express something...anything but I just haven't known where to start.
There are many reasons for this. The most prominent being that I have just been so incredibly busy in the last few months that whenever I did get five minutes to myself, I usually ended up napping accidentally!
 The other reasons merge into one really. I'm not happy with my blog lately. Looking over the past few posts, I have come to the realisation that this is not how I want my little space of internet to be. I don't feel that it truly expresses me, or gives me the right kind of opportunities to explore everything I want to. Therefore, I have been reflecting on this, whilst attempting to find a solution. I feel a change is in order, and until I can find a new direction with which I am happy, I don't want to post anything. 
A major reason I haven't been able to solve the issue with my blog is because I don't really know who I am or where I'm going at the moment. I have a lot of figuring out to do, and until I have done at least some of that, I don't want to right half-arsed shitty posts. Because they're not fun for anyone to read!

John Green sums up the way I am feeling quite perfectly in The Fault in Our Stars - 
'My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations'.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that until I can see a brief outline of any constellation, I'm going to be silent for a little longer. Stick with me though guys, I promise it'll be worth it.

A, 
xxx

'I know you want it'.

In light of all the YouTube sexual abuse drama that's been going on at the moment, I've been thinking about the subject a lot. And I'm angry. And disappointed. So disappointed that we are still living in a society where men believe it's okay to do what they want to women because they think 'she wants it'. The fact that role models for younger generations are being revealed as abusers is extremely worrying. It seems that nowhere is safe, but if we aren't showing people the correct way to behave, how do we expect this to change?

What if a woman doesn't 'want it'? Have you thought to ask her?

It seems that lately, there are a lot of 'no''s in response to that last question. And I'm wondering why. Why do men feel that they can treat women in such derogatory ways? Don't get me wrong, I know that it is not always women who are the victims, but they are definitely the majority. 

All too often I'll be out in a bar or club with my friends and men will quite happily squeeze or touch any part of me they wish. And when I turn around to question just what the hell they think they're doing, more often than not they have a smirk on their face. This behaviour is not right and it needs to stop. Just because I wear dresses with bare legs, or make an effort with my appearance, you do NOT have the right to touch me without my permission. Women are not play things, we are not here purely to fulfill your sexual desires, we are people. I'm pretty certain that if I were to start touching up guys as they walked by me I'd get some odd looks. So why are we surrounded by a culture that allows for this behaviour to continue? 

'It's just a bit of banter, love, chill out'. Sexual harassment is not banter. It's not funny, and it is not okay.

When you say the phrase 'sexual abuse' most people's initial thought would be of rape. But that's not all. Sexual abuse is any form of intimacy, even just a kiss, that takes place without your consent, regardless of your gender. If someone is pressuring you in any way to agree to do something you've acknowledged you're uncomfortable with, they are abusing you.

So, 'lads', when you're having a 'banterful' grope of a girl in a club that hasn't said that's okay with her, you're committing a crime. You have not been given consent to touch her. Stop. And when you manage to psychologically manipulate someone into feeling guilty enough to eventually succumb to your advances, remember that that is a crime. 

I don't think enough people realise or treat the issue seriously enough. If we did, it wouldn't be such a common occurrence. Being abused can be severely damaging. Victims often find it hard to put themselves back into the situation where the attack took place. They can feel uncomfortable in their own clothes, believing they should cover up to prevent the same from happening again. They begin to wonder whether it was their fault all along, 'Did I lead them on? I must've given off the wrong signals...my skirt was short that night'. Trust me, I know. 

But it is NOT our fault. And I cannot stress this enough. It doesn't matter what you wear, how you dance, what you choose to act like, unless you consent nobody has the right to do anything to you. Regardless of how much they think 'you want it'. 

If you have been a victim of sexual abuse, please do not blame yourself. You didn't ask to be treated this way, we're just unfortunately stuck in a really shitty time where this terrible ideology of 'lad culture' seems to be growing. 

But, if we keep speaking out about this maybe one day it'll change. 

Until then, I urge all women to remember this:

Whatever we wear,

Wherever we go,

Yes means yes

And no means no. 

Thanks for reading, guys. I'd love to hear your opinions on this topic.

A

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'Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.'

*DISCLAIMER: Actually will need them for where I want to go, but I love this quote.*

Hello there, little space of the Interwebs I call mine! How have we been keeping? Many apologies for my absence lately - I seem to have had all of my inspiration zapped from me. However, I am back today with a different kind of post! 

Normally, when I sit down to blog I'll have a plan in mind of what I'm going to write. My notebook will be open next to me, and I'll have a few ideas jotted down about what I want to share with you. However, tonight is different. I don't have a single subject I intend on talking about; I just fancied writing. 

So, I thought I'd give you a little update on my life, the things I've been loving and loathing and see where we end up!  Prepare for thought splurge now. (Apologies in advance - I can feel this being a rambling one.)

I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. This has stemmed mainly from last week - my normal lectures were suspended whilst we took part in 'Careers Week'. The aim was to get us all thinking about where we're headed after our degrees, and more importantly, how we plan on getting there. It's terrifying to think I've only got just over a year left of my degree, I feel as if I've just begun. 

So anyway, as some of you may know already, my aim is to be an English and Drama teacher in a Secondary school. And so, for the past week I've been seriously contemplating which universities I will be applying for later in the year. Oh, and failing miserably at the practice entry tests...it seems ALL my maths knowledge has disappeared quicker than my money in the Topshop sale. And that is speedy, trust me.

The future's a funny thing, isn't it? One minute, you're sat talking about all the dreams and ideas you have, the places and events you're planning on going to, and the next minute it seems they're right there, happening. It's a scary thought that in only two years time, I'll hopefully be finishing my PGCE with a job lined up ready to begin. A teacher in two years?! I really don't feel like an adult yet, and I certainly don't look like one!! 

Don't get me wrong though, I am so excited at the prospect of all this happening. 

I also attended a meeting today all about how to successfully pass on the Musical Theatre Society to the up-and-coming committee. Now THAT put things into perspective. How has it been almost a year since I nervously stepped up to the front of the room and put myself forward for President? The next few weeks are going to be very busy with the society; the roles for our summer musical 'Guys and Dolls' will be cast, auditions will begin, and elections will run. It's daunting to think that I'm not going to be looking after the society for much longer. I've grown so incredibly attached to it, I feel like it's partly my little baby now that I need to help nurture! However, I'm sure the next committee will be great, and I plan on helping them to find their feet way before their roles kick in. 

The future, hey?! It's looking crazily hectic, but I'm excited to enjoy the rest of this term and see what the rest of 2014 has to bring. 

I think that's about all I have to tell you today! I have a super exciting trip planned for September this year, but I'm going to dedicate a whole post or two to that, so stay tuned to find out what crazy adventure I've set myself up to do!

If you've made it this far without falling asleep, well done! You should give yourself ten points or have a doughnut or something. 

Thanks for reading!

A

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Life Is a Cabaret, Old Chum!

Hello everyone! 
Well, it's been a while since I've been on here, nearly a whole moth to be exact! I have missed blogging.
 University has been pretty hectic as of late, mainly due to my Musical Theatre Society's production taking place. For those of you that don't already know, this year at university I have been lucky enough to be the President of our Musical Theatre Society. Each year the society performs twice: an original showcase written by the artistic team in January, and a fully scripted musical in the third term.

This year, our showcase was titled, 'The Phantom of the Musical' and saw the Phantom himself take the audience on a journey of musical delight as he strove to find his perfect leading lady. Featuring songs from Les Miserables, Cabaret, Chicago, Miss Saigon and more, the show was pretty diverse. However, our wonderful Artistic Director wrote an excellent storyline and I'm very proud to say the show was a success!
We performed for three nights to sell out crowds and everybody had a great time. Here are a few snaps of some of my favourite moments:

Myself and some of the boys, they're the best.

Two of my closest friends and I.

Who run the world? GIRLS!

Performing my all time favourite song from a musical with my favourite people. ONE DAY MORE.

Cabaret.

Tiny person, big stage.

Taking our final bow on the final night.

As well as leading and organising a lot of the committee side of things, I was lucky enough to be granted a solo in the show. I sang, 'Life is a Cabaret' (hence the title of the post) and whilst this song proved difficult for me at times, I'm happy with the overall result. Although I've had solo parts before, I've never actually performed completely alone on stage and in character for a whole song; this was something new for me. And I loved it! I really feel like my performing and confidence has improved massively since I joined MTS back in 2012. I know I am by no means the best, but to have people notice an improvement in something I love doing feels great. 

But, more than all of that (and this is where I get soppy, again) I am so very happy to have helped create something that other people loved being in. As I've said before, and am likely to say many times again, MTS means so much to me. The society has become a huge part of my life; a place where I have met many of my best friends and experienced some of my favourite moments of the past few years. To know that other people are gaining a likewise experience from the society too makes me both happy and proud. One of our newest members Suzie, has written a lovely blog post about her experience which you can read HERE. Reading things like this make all the stressing, worrying and late-night last minute organising worth it.

Our university media team came along on the final night and filmed the show for us. You can watch it below. I’ve never been as proud of a show as this.

Performing really does bring people together; we are proof of that. Our members come from a variety of backgrounds; some have performed all their lives whereas for others this is their first experience of stepping onto stage. But, this is all left at the sidelines and in our society, we all come together to create something as a team.  MTS is a crazy, dysfunctional, at times very incestuous family, and I bloody well love it.

There really is no business like show business!

As always, thankyou for reading.

A

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'How do you measure, measure a year?'

My, oh my, 2013 you've been a crazy one haven't you? The year has whizzed by so fast, I'm left reeling as if it's all been a wonderful (okay, mostly wonderful) dream. 
As the festive season draws to a close, I've found myself reflecting on the metaphorical rollercoaster ride 2013 has been. I feel that I've accomplished a lot this year; 2013 has seen me begin many new chapters of my life, as well as improving on others. 

So, what better way to document and share with you my personal highlights of the past twelve months than a big smushy let's-get-overly-emotional-and-talk-about-all-the-good-things-that-have-happened type post!   

University

2013 has seen me complete my First Year at university, and dive headfirst into the stress that is 'Year Two'. I was apprehensive when beginning university as I was still in my home town, living with my family. I didn't move into Halls of Residence, I didn't have flat mates. Therefore, I was forced to put myself out there even more in order to make friends. This scared me for a number of reasons. Was I still going to get a good experience without having as much independance as those students that do move away? What if I couldn't make friends in a lecture because I'd be too busy scribbling down notes? Of course, as always, I was worrying far too much. Luckily, I met lovely people on my course and soon found my feet. 
I know it's super cliched to say but, University has quite frankly changed my life. I've learnt a lot, I've partied a lot, I've laughed a hell of a lot, and I've had a smile on my face an immeasurable amount more than the year before. I'm now a much more confident person; I've had the chance to take many opportunities that never would have arisen had I not stayed in education. I've also met some of the best people and made some very strong friendships that I hope to hold onto for many years to come.
Although it's not always easy, and I'm often up to my eyeballs in essay stress, I know that every moment is helping me to get to where I want to end up. And the fact that I'm getting to have fun alongside that is pretty darn great. 

Musical Theatre Society

Gah, I barely have words to describe how much this society means to me. I remember forcing myself to pluck up the courage to go to the Fresher's Induction back in 2012. I was terrified. And my God am I glad I went. Through it, I've met most of the amazing friends I mentioned above. During 2013, I had the opportunity to perform in two shows during my first year at University; 'Down on the Avenue' - an original showcase in January and 'Grease' the musical in May. I wrote a post about Grease in more detail, which you can view HERE. All of the people I met were so lovely and made me feel so welcome. I love my MTS family! 
At the end of the semester, when Elections for the new Committee arrived, I decided to challenge myself massively and ran for the role of President. Again, I wrote another post about this which you can catch up on HERE. I won the vote, and as of this September I have assumed the role of President. It has been tough at times, but I love it. In January, we will be performing our showcase, 'The Phantom of the Musical', and I cannot wait for people to see the amazingly talented, hard working members we have.
The most rewarding part of the role is knowing that I'm helping to give the new members a place they love as much as I did last year. Seeing them form friendships with people they may not have otherwise met, and hearing how much they are enjoying the whole experience makes all the late nights, endless emails, phone calls, forms, organising and problem solving stress worthwhile. 
I'm aware I sound like some form of deranged proud Mother, but I have a lot of feelings, okay?

Travels

2013 saw two firsts for me in travel. Back in July, my mum, my sister and I went on holiday for a week to Tenerife. This was the first holiday we'd been on just the three of us, and it was nice to take a time out from all things Internet and work (yes, I did just say it was nice to be away from the Internet) and enjoy some quality time together. I documented my time away in a good ol' post which you can view here. 
I also went on my first 'holiday' of sorts without any parental guidance in August. I spent the most amazing few days in London with one of my closest friends. We went to the YouTube gathering 'Summer in the City' and I spent my birthday evening watching my favourite musical Les Miserables live on the West End for the first time. It's safe to say August was very kind to me this year. If you'd like to hear more about my London adventures, I wrote more about them here, here and here. 

Gigs

Although I haven't been to that many gigs in 2013, the ones I have attended have been pretty spectacular. Most prominently McFly's 10th Anniversary gig at the Royal Albert Hall. That night was just incredible. In 2014, I intend on going to more, including 3 McBusted dates which I already have the tickets for. What? My inner 12 year old just couldn't deal with only one, okay? 

Birth of this blog

2013 saw me take the plunge back into blogging, and it's a decision I'm pleased I made. Although I haven't had as much time as I'd have liked to commit to creating more posts, I'm pleased with where I've got to so far. I'm still finding my feet here, but I intend on improving and writing more in 2014. I have a few little ideas brewing away in my mind and I'm looking forward to sharing them with you here, so I hope you plan on sticking around to see them! 

Without wanting to sound too cliched, I've changed and grown a lot this year. I feel like I'm slowly starting to 'find myself' for want of a better phrase, and it feels good. Positivity is the way forward!

What better way to end this post than with a photo montage of my favourite memories?

(It's okay, I cringed too.)

2013, you've been a blast. 2014, you've got a lot to live up to but I look forward to seeing what you have to bring!

For those of you that haven't seen my previous post on New Year's Resolutions for next year, you can view it here.
Alrighty then! I think that just about rounds up my posts for this year. Thankyou for reading, and for following if you have. It means a lot.
See you in January!

A
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New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions: The promises we make to ourselves at the start of January that get forgotten about before the time February rolls around. Well, that's always been my experience of them anyway. However, 2013 has seen a change for me.
On the 6th January 2013, I saved this note onto my phone with the hope that I would complete it all by the end of the year: 

I fully expected to have forgotten about them, but for some reason they stuck. Every time I'd make a list in my phone (which is a LOT) I'd notice the note there and be reminded of the things I wanted to change. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot more about myself that I'd like to alter, but these seemed the most prominent at the time and so I put in a proper effort to complete them. 
This year, I tried to set myself goals that were achievable if I set my mind to it. But, I also wanted them to be things that wouldn't mean I had to change drastically straight away because that never works in my opinion. 
 So, how did I do? Well, minus the one about going to London so often, I completed them!

(In retrospect, I could've and should've taken a LOT more photos, but I still improved on the year before.)

In light of my successfulness (yup, claiming that's a word) I have decided to do the same for 2014 and see what happens in the upcoming year. My resolutions are to:

- Again, take more photos. I want to document this amazing time in my life that I'm experiencing much more. 

- To cut down the amount I procrastinate. This one is going to be tough, but I know I'll gain a lot if I do manage to combat it. When a job needs doing, I need to start doing it there and then, rather than putting it off.

- To stick at blogging, with the hope of growing and improving my little space here.

- To continue saying yes to opportunities. Even the ones that scare me.

- To have started a plan for after Third Year. This one is SCARY.

Like every year, I have had some tough times during 2013. However, on the whole it's been pretty darn good. I can only hope that 2014 brings me more of the same.

Happy New Year!!

A

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Untitled

Like being on a boat,
Drifting, often aimlessly
Sometimes purposefully
Reaching, surging, navigating
Surviving 

With waves that crash
Unexpectedly overboard, 
With a mass of power
Sometimes manageable, other times with a force
So great
The boat soars up,
Into the air
Like a bird leaving the nest.

And in that moment
Free-falling
Everything is silent,
Calm

And in that moment 
The chaos of the ocean, the upheaval
The torment, 
The mindless meandering,
Can be forgotten,
Left behind.

And it is only in that moment,
That the beauty of the ocean can truly be understood.



(I wrote this a while ago but haven't posted it as I'm not too sure whether I'm happy with it. It's been years since I've written poetry, but I thought I'd give it another go. I'm aware it's different to my normal posts but I'm still finding my feet here in this little corner of the Internet I can call mine.
Thanks for reading as always)

A

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