A Lesson.

For you thought you had it,

all figured out,

Bounding blindly through ignorance,

Without a shadow of doubt.

But then the truth, it came hurtling,

Left with nowhere to run

Down it came crashing,

You have no choice but to learn.

Don't let this beat you,

Do not give up,

Put yourself first,

And don't give a fuck.

Learn to let go,

Learn to start again, 

Learn how to love yourself,

How to be your own friend.

Learn to focus on what's

really important.

Work to make your dreams reality,

Don't leave them dormant.

For you are much more 

Than this stuff getting you down,

And although it doesn't feel like it,

You can turn this around.

And so now all that's left,

is down to you,

You've got to believe it, 

in order to get through.

Things will get worse

before they get better,

But you're strong enough to ride out,

this wave of shitty weather.

And soon you'll look back,

On this hurt; all this strife,

And you'll say

You know what?

It was just some bad days,

It's not a bad life. 

A

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A Positive Promise to Myself.

'What are you so afraid of?'  I was asked, casually one evening. The lights were dimmed, and I had a pair of all-knowing eyes burrowing into mine, desperately searching for an answer. For a way in.

'Failure. Vulnerability.'

'But if you never try, you'll never know.'

Ah, I thought, the classic response. 

Of course, it's correct. If you don't attempt something, there's a very slim chance of knowing what the outcome would've been 100% certainly. 

And that terrifies me.

I like being in control. Of having an extremely good chance of weighing up what will come next, the potential outcomes, and then planning for them. But for some things in life, there's no way of knowing. 

You can either dive in head first with nothing more than blind faith, hopeful for the outcome you truly desire.

Or, you can choose not to go after it, and always wonder what might have happened.

For far too long now, I've chosen option two. 

I've always being too scared to let my guard down and show a side of vulnerability only a minute selection of people ever see. Once I've been hurt by someone or something, it's always taken me a long time to recover and allow myself to repeat the process again with the risk of experiencing the same disappointment. 

However, at the start of 2015, I made a promise to myself. It wasn't your classic resolution of a set goal with defined ways of reaching it. It was simply an internal promise to do better.

Or at least to try to.

To make an attempt at not being too afraid to go after the things I want. Even though they're likely to be the same things that scare me the most. 

And so, in the past two months I've consciously made that change. 

And oddly enough, all things considered, it's paid off better than I could ever have imagined.

 I applied for Masters courses in London, the city I've said for many years I wish to live in one day. Even if it's only for a short while, I long for that to be a chapter in my life. 

And I got in.

I've actually been offered a place to study, and as long as I can financially sort everything, come September, Coventry may not be my home anymore. 

And that terrifies and excites me in equal amounts.

But, I'm choosing to focus on the excitement, and not let my fears alter anything.

In other situations, however, promising myself to face my biggest fears hasn't paid off in the way I hoped. This month has seen a rollercoaster of emotion. I've been overwhelmed by dramas both academically with the amount of work I have right now, and very much so socially. Events have transpired that could so easily have made me run kicking and screaming in tears back to the older version of me that never let people in. 

'You were right!' she'd scream. 'Why did I ever try and go against you?!'

But, she's not.  

That older version of myself was stunting her growth. As cliched as it is, each failure should propel you forward with the urgency to create positivity, not to cling on to what is lost.  Yes, I've been hurt a lot in the past few weeks. I allowed myself to do the thing that scares me the most and become vulnerable, and it backfired somewhat magnificently.

But that's okay. 

It isn't going to stop me from standing up, dusting myself off, and trying again. 

And by writing this tonight, I'm making both an outward and inward promise to myself to not let this tiny set-back, because that's all it will feel like eventually, just tiny, stop me from doing it again one day.

Things may seem upsetting, intimidating and overwhelming right now, but I know that in time they'll get better. And oh my, am I going to be stronger because of it. 

A

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Hello, 2015!

As I say hello to 2015, and welcome all of the prospective adventures it brings with it, I can't help but feel nostalgic for the year that's just passed. 2014 was a whirlwind of emotion, but I have to say it was possibly the best year I've had so far.

There have been many highlights, but I won't go through them all, as it's not the most enjoyable post for people to read and it'd take a bloody long time!

So, as I love a good list, here we have one, to sum up briefly and without doing it full justice, what was an incredible year.

1. Showcase
January saw the first show the Musical Theatre Society put on with me as President. I adored every aspect of this show, and it was also the first time I'd ever performed on stage completely alone. Organising the showcase taught me a lot, and I had so much fun doing it.

2. Paddy's Day (and the rest of the socials)
Last academic year was a messy one for MTS! We had frequent socials that were all great nights out (and terrible mornings after!). Friendships were formed that I never expected, and others were strengthened and some awful photos made their way onto the internet to act as proof.

3. Guys and Dolls
Although this show was performed way back in May, I still can't quite put into words just how proud I am of it. I loved every single second of organising and performing alongside some of the nicest and most talented people I know. It's going to take a hell of a lot to beat that.

4. Awards
As if MTS hadn't done enough for me in 2014 by giving me the best friends I could've wished for and an opportunity to thrive and learn as an organiser/manager, we also went and won an Award of Recognition at the Societies Ball - an award created specifically to celebrate our achievements over the past year. I'm so proud of our little team of last year, and every time I look at the award sitting on my windowsill now it fills me with motivation and belief that if we can pull something like that off, we're pretty fantastic. Having the chance to dress up fancy, drink champagne, and be awarded for our hard work and dedication was an unforgettable way to end what was an amazing year.

5. The Tattoo
There were a lot of firsts for me in 2014, and getting my first tattoo was one of them! Ask me in twenty years if I think it was wise to get three squares tattooed inside one another on the side of my ribs and I'll bet you any money I'll still say yes. What looks like a sad attempt at being hipster and geometric actually means a lot to two of my bestest friends and me. It signifies our friendship, and the amazing year we had getting to know one another and just generally being great. When I look at it, I'm reminded of happiness, recklessness and fun. And just like the tattoo, I don't think those memories will fade.
(Pass me the sick bucket, already!)

6. Summer

Summer saw me choosing to not go back home, and instead live with a bunch of boys in a band. Trust me, it sounds a lot cooler than it was. Although, I did have a great time. Summer saw me let my hair and my guard down, and just have fun. We went to loads of gigs, including a private festival...I mean, come on! I spent a weekend in London attending Summer in the City which was fab. I also celebrated my birthday with friends and a successful night out for once! It was great. The perfect way to chill out before the challenge that September brought with it.

7. Morocco
The sixteen days I spent in Morocco at the start of September were easily the hardest, most challenging days of my life. Trekking to the top of Mout Toubkal was the toughest thing I've ever had to endure, what with suffering from three panic attacks during the ascent and yet somehow, with the help of a good friend, I made it to the peak. Looking back now, after months of reflection, I'm so pleased I did it. The trip itself was in no means the best time of my life; there were moments when I was so ill, so scared (being trekked off a campsite at midnight by Moroccan police is terrifying!), but there were times when I've laughed more than ever before!
Plus, I got to ride a camel and that's friggin' cool.

8. Damien Rice
Agh, I still can't put into words how amazing this day was. Seeing Damien Rice perform finally, and in the London Palladium?! Incredible. It was just, yeah, fantastic. Easily the best gig I have attended.
It was just a great day.

9. Tattoo No. 2
So, yeah. What started as one finished as two! The day after seeing Damien Rice, I was exploring Camden and wandered into a little tattoo parlour and decided that I needed to stop being a chicken and get the tattoo of an arrow on my wrist that I'd wanted for a while. Now, spontaneity is not normally something I'm comfortable with, but 2014 has taught me a lot about myself and the things I need to alter so I did it. It's a reminder to stay motivated, stay creative, and keep moving forward. No matter what, don't stop moving forward.

9. Graduation Week
It's not my graduation until this year (hopefully) but the rate I partied it may as well have been. I had my two best friends in Coventry for a whole week. A WHOLE WEEK. We caused a lot of chaos, made some great life choices, and drank far too much.

10. Other random times

There have been many other times this year that I've enjoyed; meeting up with my Childreach team at the Awards evening in Manchester was lovely, seeing Nina Nesbitt and Ed Sheeran live ticked a couple more boxes off my gig list. And a chilled Christmas at home with the family was a good way to end a hectic year. 

I'm not going to do the cliched thing of talking about how much 2014 has changed me, and how I'm going to be a different person in 2015, because quite frankly, what's the point? People are changing and evolving constantly, we shouldn't need the date to use as an excuse to buck up our ideas and go get the things we want most. Instead,  I just hope that this time next year, I can be writing an even longer post about all the incredible times I've had again. 

So bring it on, 2015. I cannot wait.

A
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Home: Just a concept?

Whenever I feel a flash of inspiration and I'm away from my laptop or notebook, I jot my ideas down in the 'Notes' section on my phone. I'm sure this isn't a surprising concept; many people do it. 

I found this note I'd left myself among the list of disjointed ramblings and thought I'd share it. So, here you have some thoughts conjured up many miles away from 'home'. 

As I type this, I'm sat on a plane 39,000 feet in the air on my way to Morocco to complete my charity expedition and (hopefully) summit Mount Toubkal. And as this metal tube hurtles it's way through the air at 499mph, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of home.

For a lot of people, the word 'home' conjures up images of parents, family, a childhood setting, maybe Christmas or other similar occasions. Family; security; safety. For others, it may mean a city, town, village; simply the place in which they're from. Somewhere they can ground themselves; a pivot from which they can resonate.

But for me, I'm unsure what home means. Sure, my first instinct would be to describe my mother's house; the place where I grew up. Or Coventry, as that's where I was born and where I've always lived. However, in the past year, I've lived in a number of houses in the same city, with a range of different people and they've all strangely felt at some point like 'home' to me. I don't know whether this just makes me an adaptable person, or whether I'm just a little lost.

So, I guess, what I would have to say is that for me, home can't be based solely on location or memories. It's a feeling, a concept. My home is wherever I feel most content; a place I can relax; a place filled with laughter, song, and most importantly, a place where I can be inspired. It can stay constant, or it can change without me even realising. 

I also feel a if a person can have more than one home. To me, the family home will always be my 'home', but it won't be the only home I have. And that's okay. 

I guess I'm lucky to have found more than one place where I can feel comfortable, and as long as I have that place to escape to when things get tough, everything will be okay one way or another.  

A

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A Space just for Me

I've always been a creative person; my mind often wandering off into a world of it's own. A world of hope, magic and wonder. A world where anything is possible; any dream is manageable. And so, it's hard for me when the reality in which we're placed is in such harsh contrast. 

Sometimes I'll catch myself daydreaming of a world so similar yet so different. An imaginary oxymoron. Another space completely, where everything resembles the ordinary, yet can't be matched up. 

At times, the changes between the two worlds will be loud and bright, like a flash of lightning on a stormy evening. I'll be whisked away to another location completely, or I may not look the same as I do now.

Yet at others, the difference will be so minute, so subtle, that I'll catch my breath wondering if maybe, just maybe this is real.

You'd look at me and smile that dreaded, beautiful smile that shatters my heart into a thousand pieces whilst simultaneously fixing it back together again. There'd be definite eye contact; I wouldn't be afraid to hold it for fear of you seeing deep into my soul. And you wouldn't be afraid either. 

We'd share something; a spark, a moment, a feeling. It would be real and concrete, not hypothesised and unrealistic.

Things are the same, yet different in this little space of mine. And at the moment, I'm not sure which one I prefer.

A

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Dear Autumn,

You're a challenging one aren't you?

Along with your vibrant influx of colour, you bring winds of change.

Of challenge.

Of slight discomfort.

Yet, you've always been my favourite. Despite the struggles nestling just underneath the surface, you bring with you something so special.

A rusty hopefulness.

The chance of something new; a fresh start, a new beginning.

As the leaves flutter down from the branches, their job for the year complete, I imagine brushing away my worries just as simply.

But, it's not that easy is it?

Unlike your relentlessly happy sibling Summer, it's easier to feel alone when you're around, Autumn. Troubles and worries creep up on me in the early evening dusk. As the nights draw in quicker than before, I find myself contemplating a lot.

It becomes far too easy to get caught up in a whirlwind of negative thoughts. Like the leaves whistling, weaving and winding their way through the wind, my mind takes over and anxiety kicks in.

But, that's okay. I can manage with the worries; they teach me new things about myself and they remind me that I care. For months during Summer, everything is lightweight, free, fun and easy. Autumn arrives and we're thrust back in to the realms of the real world, as suddenly as we're jolted out into the cold. 

But, you're not a burden to me Autumn. Far from that. Instead, you teach me to embrace the changing landscape. By testing and challenging me in more ways than one, you remind me that the best memories come from not running and hiding from that which scares me. 

Autumn; you're a time for snuggling, for curling up in the warmth with a mug of tea as big as my face. 

For laughter, for music concerts, for new books, new friends, new moments to treasure. 

A time for reflection, for realising that everything is going to be alright one way or another. 

For remembering who and what means the most to me, and clinging onto them as we head towards the magic that is Winter.

You may not be as warm and inviting as Summer, but my gosh Autumn, you sure have my heart.

A

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Late Summer Evenings.

Late summer evenings are one of my favourite things. I can never get enough of the way they make me feel. There's something rather magical about the way the setting sun makes everything have a gloriously golden shine.

When it's that perfect temperature that requires you to need a chunky cardigan over your pretty dress and sandals.

When you walk past people in the street and they're smiling to themselves as for this small fraction of the year, they can leave their jobs  without being surrounded by drizzly darkness.

When it stays light until late, making every dreamed adventure seem possible.

There's something hopeful about summer evenings. The best things always seem to happen then. When everything is calmer, quieter; yet nature is louder, screaming out at us, 'Hey, look at me! I'm pretty darn great, you know.'

Why, yes nature. You are.

It's easier to fall in love in the summer. Everything shimmers with hints of everlasting hope. Laughter becomes a repeated track in everyone's playlist.

Company is welcomed; it feels easier than ever before. Parties are had, problems are forgotten and our worn-out stories of the future are created.

As the wildlife settles down for the night, and the breeze sends a shiver down my spine, I look around and feel grateful. Thankful for the promise this weather can bring; thankful for the people I've been able to share it with; thankful for the memories that'll never cease to exist after the summer heat turns to snow.

The promise of Autumn is high in the air, and I find myself wishing for all the wonderment to continue through to there.

A

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